50/50...

So my time is nearly up. The Clock is ticking. The 'Countdown' theme tune is gradually being turned up to remind me I've not long to go find myself a sponsor so I can stay in this country. Two months to be exact. I've been aware the last few entries on this thing haven't been exactly positive, well, it's been a hard couple of months for everyone it seems, and many factors out of my control have made it a hard slog for me while I settle into my new life. Being able to settle down so to speak hasn't been easy with the looming 'credit crunch' (or 'lunch' or 'munch' as my friend Becky describes it) which the UK have so fondly decided to rename the recession. Over here we can say the 'R' word without financial analysts slapping us down, pressing their bony fingers to their pursed lips or having the media leap up, relishing being able to put the fear of God up our 'budget conscious' arses. Moving to Australia has most definitely been a positive move for me - it has! There's no need to jab a finger into my side to remind me I've not exactly been happy these past few months. Truth be told, it's been expected and not at all surprising I've experienced the recent hardships, what with everything going around me in the big wide world and the decision to uproot my life and plonk it somewhere alien and distant. I can see now how my life would have continued it's endless cycle without the much needed 'kick up the arse' I so desperately needed. I am not alone. I only need to talk to my new found friend of mine to discover this. I have witnessed the best of times and the worst of times. Within myself and within my new life I have created. I need to remind myself what I have done is an incredible achievement and many people would never dare dream of taking the risk, opting for the comfort of familiarity rather then the vast potential of the unknown. I can tell you now the yearning for familiarity has been an intoxicating pull at times, especially when things haven't been going to plan. A naive part of me didn't expect it to be such a draw after leading quite a transient life up until the age of 18. Being in this country is far more than going to a place where it's sunnier. A cliche response I hear from many who remind me that life back home is 'the same and the weather is miserable' and I have to remind them the meteorological differences were never the catalyst for my my decision to come here.

So come January, I either begin my visa application and employer nomination application or I start packing my bags and heading home. How do I feel about this? Well, right now. 50/50 either way. Straight down the middle. There are pros and cons on either side and I teeter on a see-saw, wobblying in a fragile fashion, as every minor comment I hear or recent experience makes me lean one way or the other. I do have to remind myself if I went home now, what would I be going home to. 'To what?' exactly is the big behemoth of a question I have to write in big fat marker pen and place right in front of my face. This is the main reason to keep on going here. If I am true to myself, there is no 'going back' option for me right now. For it means I'd be going backwards. If I return it has to be because I have learned as much as I can from being here as possible and be excited to return home, to family and friends so I could start another chapter in my life and not because I have no other option. I know practically and financially it may not be possible to stay but I have to keep pursuing and ensuring I can create a life out here.

The next few weeks will undoubtedly give me the answers I'm looking for, with or without my help.